They Do It For Each Other
by SomewhereBeyondReality
Summary: The pain behind the masks. Three POV's of The Seige: John, Elizabeth and Carson. Sparky naturally.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One: **

_Elizabeth, wait! _

_You can't! _

_I have to and you know it _

_John… _

…_Go_

John runs to the Jumper Bay like a man possessed: He's glad he's running because when you're running you can't think and there's no time to think.

He's glad there was no time to think because if he stopped – even for a second – and thinks about what act he's about to commit he knew he'd break down and do what every fibre of his being is screaming at him and return to the control room.

But he has to do this; he has to do it for Atlantis and for everyone who belongs there.

_I always knew I'd die in war._ The thought vibrates in his mind as he sprints into the Jumper and throws himself down at the controls. He always knew he'd die in war. And this isn't a bad way to go after all; better him than one of the so many, better, more valuable people down there.

But he's so, so scared. Not so much of dying – though thought that's enough to send a sliver of ice through his heart, but for the people he's leaving behind.

Would the Wraith murder them all? Would Atlantis be destroyed? Would they ever see Earth again? If he had one final wish, just one, it would be that the people he's sacrificing himself for will get to see their home planet again. He will die content if he knew his death had meant that.

But he can't be content, because he knows that someone else is going to have to do exactly what he's doing and that's hard to bear: that this may not make any difference at all. Scrap that last final wish – here was another one: That this would be the last sacrifice any member of the expedition had to make. His life would be the last one lost.

How would his death affect them? He isn't stupid; he knows he isn't a unique, irreplaceable member of the team. Not like Rodney's brain or Carson's medical skills or Elizabeth's leadership.

But how would they take it? He doesn't want them to mourn and he doesn't want them to grieve and most of all he doesn't want them to blame themselves.

John suddenly realises he isn't thinking about "them". He's thinking about her. Because, when this was all over – if it ever ended and if she was there to see it,

_No, not if, when. _Because she has to be there to see it, he can't consider it ending any other way.

When the sound of gunshots and screaming fade and the sun rises on an Atlantis that is once again a peaceful haven, floating on the water: She will grieve, she will mourn and she will blame herself. Because that's what Elizabeth does. She alone will carry the burden of his death.

John thinks back to the look in her clear eyes that he saw barely a minute ago. Guilt, pain and regret. In that instant he knows what his true final wish would be; that Elizabeth Weir would live to see the sunrise on a harmonious Atlantis again and that she would see it with a free heart and peace of mind.

He pilots the Jumper up out of the bay, cloaking it as he rose up away from the planet and he glances back one final time. Back at the place that's been his home for the last year.

_Home._ That's a strange way of putting it. All this time he's seen it merely as resting place, a temporary stop gap until they returned to Earth. Now though, he realises that the city a thousand of feet below him _is_ his home and all its inhabitants his people.

He swallows and opens up a communication channel. _Time to say your goodbyes John_.

"You do realise, if this works, someone may have to do it again." _You idiot! You're about to go off to your death and that's all you can come up with?_

Elizabeth's voice comes over the radio. "Understood." Her voice doesn't break or waver, but even from that distance John could feel her pain.

He desperately tries to think of something to say, something to comfort her, convince her this isn't her fault, give her some last words of courage...

...or he can tell her the truth. The secret.

"Elizabeth, I just want you to know, I… "He opens his mouth to say the words, but he _can't_. She has enough to deal with. There isn't time, this isn't the place and it will only make things worse.

_"I'm sorry." _

So he continues towards the hive ship, his heart aching not for what was ahead, but for the woman he's leaving behind.


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two: **

Elizabeth can barely stop the tears from trickling down her cheeks as she stares into the hazel eyes of Major Sheppard one last time. The moment lasts forever…but not long enough. He breaks away from her anguished gaze and runs.

Elizabeth stands there in the abandoned control room, silent and numb, disbelief and horror freezing her in her place.

_Go…_That one word has ripped her world and heart into pieces.

With icy logic and control Elizabeth locks that thought away. Cramming her shattered grief for her greatest friend away in a box to be forgotten and suppressed until this is over and done with. _Deal with it later. _Always.

Maybe she isn't so different from the Wraith after all.

"What is the status on that damn jumper?" Colonel Everett voice snaps angrily over the radio.

Although she knows he can't know, although she knows he isn't to blame, although she knows he is doing his part just as much as the rest of them, rage boils up in Elizabeth at the man who is complaining while John is the one sacrificing himself.

Of course she doesn't show any of this inner fury, just as she never shows any emotion. She replies calm and collected. "The jumper is away."

The control room, which was so empty and silent a moment ago is filled with people; talking, screaming, yelling...no crying though she notices coolly.

_How can they not be?_ _How can they not be on their knees sobbing, when John is flying above us right now, inches from certain death? _The hidden self speaks from behind its cage. She shuts her away again.

Of course she knows why: She's doing it herself, there's no time to stop, they all have to push their personal feelings aside to work for survival; Her job is to put on a brave face, to support everyone, to keep up the morale, even if her own heart is breaking.

"Elizabeth, you can't stay here." Carson begs desperately.

"He's right," Rodney adds pleadingly. "Elizabeth you have to leave."

Elizabeth turns away to watch at the little blue dot among the sea of red. They don't know, of course they don't. "No." She hears herself say. "Not yet."

Inside, in her hidden self, the tears cascade down her cheeks and her heart breaks.

_Go... _


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three: **

Carson looks from Rodney to Elizabeth, as Rodney gazes at their leader in pure disbelief and horror.

"You let Sheppard fly the Jumper?" He asks accusingly.

She nods, not defending herself, not pretending she's done the right thing. "Yes."

He's about to say more when he sees the look in her eyes. Carson see's it too and knows why Rodney's stopped.

When you look beyond the shield, beyond the shadow, beyond the mask, there's nothing but grief and self-hatred.

She's dying inside: she's never going to forgive herself for what she's just done. Because she out of all of them is going to miss him the most and she's the one who has to give the order to end his life.

No matter what desperation Carson feels, no matter how much Rodney will miss him, both of them know it was nothing compared to what Elizabeth must be feeling right now.

The radio crackles and they hear John's voice for what they know must be the last time: "The weapon is armed and ready; I'm going in."

There's so much going on, so much to deal with: Colonel Sumner, Teyla and Ford all lost – hundreds of Wraith attacking, the city in chaos, the Deadalus not due for days.

Elizabeth has remained strong through everything, bearing it all herself; yet as Sheppard's voice echoes silently between the three of them, for the first time since he's met her Carson thinks Elizabeth might have reached her breaking point.

But she hasn't.

She's still holding out, Carson knows if he were her, he would have given up a long time ago.

In that instant he wishes more than ever, that John were here now - even for a moment - to see what Elizabeth is doing for him, for them and to be as proud of her as he is.


End file.
